10 MISTAKE THAT MEN WHO HAVE NO CONFIDENCE WITH WOMEN ARE MAKING, AND HOW TO AVOID THEM
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Mistake #1: Not Getting Out Of The House (Or Apt.)
Approach women now! Women aren't going to come to you. The absolute best way to start learning how to gain confidence women is by simply putting yourself out in public and working on your social skills. Talk to everyone, not just girls, and just be a social guy. The more you do this, the easier it will become over time. Before you know it, you'll start finding yourself in the type of situations you now feel you're lacking. Being out multiple times per week also just simply increases your chances of good things happening for you. There are too many guys out there (and I used to be one of them, for a long time), that would gain confidence with women faster if they just simply went out more. I know this sounds like common sense, but trust me, everything changed for me the day I realized I didn't need to read or study one more book, or listen to or watch one more seminar.
Don't be the guy that has to know everything on how to meet beautiful women before he does anything. You're never going to know everything before you even start. Practicing what you're learning by going out and applying it at the same time, supplements what you learn and helps you understand it all better.
Mistake #2: Worrying Too Much About What A Woman Is Thinking Of Them
Guys it's such an enormous mistake to fall into the trap of getting caught up in your own head. This will circumvent your success in so many ways. Here's a very ironic discovery that I made a couple years ago: I get more bad reactions from women when, in my head, I'm thinking too long about what I should say before I say it. This is very important so I want you to maul this over for a minute. When I go through the quick process (2-3 seconds) of going into my head and thinking about ''just the right thing to say'', it usually gets a bad response, from women and men actually. Why is this? Its because they can sense that you are coming from a place of neediness, i.e. it was important that what you said be positively accepted. What's ironic of course is that ''needing something to work out'' usually drives it away from you.
In a social environment, no one, ever wants to feel awkward or be in the presence of someone who is coming from a place of neediness (as subtle as it may be it may be in this example). It makes people uncomfortable. On the other hand, this is a much better place to come from:
"I trust that most of the time, I have great things to say, so I'll just respond, naturally and without overthinking, and if what I say isn't received well, then oh well, because I know most of the time it is."
This frame subconsciously makes everyone feel more relaxed around you. You aren't ''needing'' anything, no matter what it is. Think about it, when you're out to dinner with someone, and their food is taking too long, you start to feel more uncomfortable the more needy they get about their order. Its no different when a woman is talking to man that ''needs'' whatever he says to be funny, its just on a smaller more unconscious scale. Don't worry about what she thinks! If you're a great guy, chances are very high (if she's a great girl), she'll recognize that.
Mistake #3: Making Rejection Real
Let me give you a secret I learned about how to gain confidence with women: Rejection is only a concept that you made up in your head. A belief is a thought that you make real. As you've grown up, society has presented you with this thought that its possible to get rejected, one way or another. You took this thought and made it real by turning it into a BELIEF. You started to believe, at an early age, without questioning it, that yes I can get rejected and yes I need to avoid rejection at all costs. This same process happened when you formed the thought that you have ''no confidence with women''. You made this real as well by turning the thought into a belief.
Rejection is not real because if you think about it, what have you lost? You didn't have her interest before you approached, and you don't have it now. You didn't lose anything! ''But Ash, its not about protecting what I already have its about getting something I don't have yet.'' And my answer to that would be: There's that neediness again, why, why, why do you need her approval? Why can't you just be social and put yourself out there and if she's receptive, then great, wonderful. When you come from a place of non-neediness, it's impossible to get rejected. Let me say that again:
When you come from a place of non-neediness, it's not possible to get rejected!
Mistake #4: Believing That Confidence Is Something All Guys Who Are Successful With Women Were Just Born With
While it is true that everyone has different personalities and some guys were just lucky enough to be born into natural self confidence with women, that certainly doesn't mean you can develop these traits within yourself. Gaining confidence with women, is a skill that you can learn, and then become. Take being good at playing a musical instrument for example, like guitar. Everyone who is excellent at guitar had to learn how to become good. Building confidence within yourself is a skillset you can learn and hone over time. My best advice is to get out there and start talking with people as often as possible. The quicker you learn how to be social with people, the faster you'll become confident in how you relate to other people. This is especially true with women. Other things you can do to gain confidence with women include: Getting into great physical shape, reciting daily affirmations out loud to yourself, and using visual exercises through NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming).
Mistake #5: Not Taking Advantage Of The Power Of Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication
Its often the simplest things that make the biggest differences. Studies have shown that 80-90% of what we communicate to other people is unspoken. In other words, non-verbal communication. It would benefit you to such a large degree if you would take the time to study body language. You can sub-communicate so many things at once through body language and that's why it's so powerful. Do you agree that you can tell a lot about a person from the way they dress? Of course what you gather is not set in stone, but most of the time its usually pretty accurate. Body Language is the same way. The best body language tips I can give you include:
-Making and holding eye contact
-Making slower movements
-Being less reactive to other people than they are to you
-Standing and walking straight with shoulders held slightly back
-Smiling
-Not leaning in while talking to her
-Voice tonality, and pace (not speaking too quickly, adding pauses), nothing to do with verbal content or what's being said
Mistake #6: Getting Her Phone Number With No Specific Intent
There was time when I thought (as I'm sure many inexperienced guys do) that once I got her number, that was it, I had her. This couldn't be further from the truth. A phone number is useless unless you had specific reason for getting it. A sub-mistake related to this that I see guys do is they'll ask for the number prematurely as well. In fact, she's so used to guys doing this that she's probably desensitized to it and by the time you talk to her, has been socially programmed to just give the number out, like she did to the 10 guys before you. To be frank, you'd really have to be bad to not be able to get her number after 5 minutes of talking to her, in most cases anyway. Single, attractive women give their numbers out all the time, the difference lies in how you ask for it.
Think of it from the frame of: ''I'm gonna give this girl a chance to get to know me, if I decide she'd be cool to spend time with, I'll set up a meet up with her, and get her number while I'm coordinating that with her''. Unless pressed for time, I'd really advise talking to her anywhere between 7-12 minutes, at least, and getting to know her a little, before setting up a meet up/getting her number. Think of it like, she passed your ''cool/not cool test'', and her prize is that you're going to ask for her number (while making plans). Coming from this frame will also help you in building confidence with women in general, with time and practice.
Mistake #7: Not Approaching Or Opening When The Opportunity Arises
Once you've gotten yourself out of the house, great, but you need to know how to meet beautiful women when you're out. Going out and just standing around with a beer held to your chest is not going to get you anywhere. Women are not going to approach you. If you're a good looking guy and you're dressed well, this will happen sometimes, but its ultimately your job as the man to take the initiative and talk to them. You've got to stop constantly worrying about what could go wrong by going over and opening her. Realize and accept the fact that its very possible you will catch her in a bad mood or at a bad time, and that's OK.
More often than not, if you approach with a smile, good body language, and strong voice tonality, she'll more than happy to talk to you. Women go out expecting to get approached, especially attractive women, they're used to having men looking to meet them, its no big deal. In other words its not like you're doing anything out there or unorthodox by approaching her. Try to calibrate yourself to the situation of course, and approaching her from behind is not a good idea, but what's important is that you have the mentality: Approach Women Now.
Mistake #8: Not using Humor Enough (Or Any), While Interacting With Her
I cannot stress enough the importance of using humor when learning to gain confidence with women. Don't take this to mean you should go into your head (always a huge mistake) and start rapidly thinking of jokes or one liners to say. What I mean here is just going out with a natural, easygoing vibe and grabbing opportunities to be witty as they present themselves. A girl will usually give you many opportunities to bust her balls and tease her during an interaction. Once you do this a few times, you'll naturally start to get better at it and be able to spot these opportunities.
Women LOVE a man that can do this, they love a man that isn't afraid to tease/poke fun at her a little and can take it from her as well. Its shows you are socially intelligent and that you ''get it''. It shows you have self confidence with women. It also makes the interaction fun and more relaxed. Also remember that much like conversation, humor is not linear, meaning if you tease her about something, you can loop back to it again at a later point and tease her again about it. This creates a sense that the both of you have a connection and understand each other on a deeper level, which is huge.
People that don't know each other very well will likely not connect like this and communicate on this deeper level. What's interesting is that even if you've only known her for 5 minutes, if you can communicate to her on this level (using socially intelligent humor, busting her balls, etc.), she'll feel like she's known you for much longer.
Mistake #9: Giving Women The Remote Control To Their Emotions
One characteristic of femininity, when looking at the female personality is that it isn't constant, it changes like the weather does. Women tend to have more varying mood and emotional waves than men do. A mistake that I see men make is that when a woman is a bit challenging or maybe zings them with particular comment, the man will allow that to change their mood or current state. This is one that personally, took me a while to understand and get handled.
This is also one of the more advanced and challenging things you'll learn to master when gaining confidence with women. Despite it being a slightly more advanced skill, it's still extremely important to understand and get handled as soon as you can. DO NOT let a comment, opinion, or little mood swing that a woman has alter your good state or mood. A woman needs to know, especially when considering you as boyfriend material, that you can handle her shit when she gets a little testy. Its your job, as a congruent, masculine man, to be able to handle these moments without overreacting or letting it affect you. If you fly off the handle, or get all up in arms at these moments, you're essentially acting like a little BOY. Remember, when she's acting like a little girl, YOU need to stay strong and act like the man, not the little boy. If you do, then your both in a bad place. A woman needs a man not a boy, always remember that.
Mistake #10: Seeing and Treating A Woman Like A Price To Be Won Instead Of A Person
This is one that is so simple that its easy to overlook it (or not even recognize it in the first place). Its important to constantly, constantly be reminding yourself, especially in the presence of very hot women, that they are just normal people. Under the surface of their beauty, they are no different than any other person. They have fears and insecurities, they get nervous, emotional, and self-conscious just like we men do sometimes. Remembering this will take her off the pedestal you've placed her on in your head as a result of her looks (like a prize to be won).
Its very easy to get caught up in an attractive woman's looks. Women do not have this same problem with men, at least not very often. At the end of the day, all a hot woman really wants of you is to stop showering her with affection, praise, and attention and to treat her for what she is, a human being. She'll be much more receptive to your affection, praise and compliments if they come from a place of honesty (after you've gotten to know her a little) than she will if you say it just as fast, and in almost the same way as the last 10 guys did.
Approach women now! Women aren't going to come to you. The absolute best way to start learning how to gain confidence women is by simply putting yourself out in public and working on your social skills. Talk to everyone, not just girls, and just be a social guy. The more you do this, the easier it will become over time. Before you know it, you'll start finding yourself in the type of situations you now feel you're lacking. Being out multiple times per week also just simply increases your chances of good things happening for you. There are too many guys out there (and I used to be one of them, for a long time), that would gain confidence with women faster if they just simply went out more. I know this sounds like common sense, but trust me, everything changed for me the day I realized I didn't need to read or study one more book, or listen to or watch one more seminar.
Don't be the guy that has to know everything on how to meet beautiful women before he does anything. You're never going to know everything before you even start. Practicing what you're learning by going out and applying it at the same time, supplements what you learn and helps you understand it all better.
Mistake #2: Worrying Too Much About What A Woman Is Thinking Of Them
Guys it's such an enormous mistake to fall into the trap of getting caught up in your own head. This will circumvent your success in so many ways. Here's a very ironic discovery that I made a couple years ago: I get more bad reactions from women when, in my head, I'm thinking too long about what I should say before I say it. This is very important so I want you to maul this over for a minute. When I go through the quick process (2-3 seconds) of going into my head and thinking about ''just the right thing to say'', it usually gets a bad response, from women and men actually. Why is this? Its because they can sense that you are coming from a place of neediness, i.e. it was important that what you said be positively accepted. What's ironic of course is that ''needing something to work out'' usually drives it away from you.
In a social environment, no one, ever wants to feel awkward or be in the presence of someone who is coming from a place of neediness (as subtle as it may be it may be in this example). It makes people uncomfortable. On the other hand, this is a much better place to come from:
"I trust that most of the time, I have great things to say, so I'll just respond, naturally and without overthinking, and if what I say isn't received well, then oh well, because I know most of the time it is."
This frame subconsciously makes everyone feel more relaxed around you. You aren't ''needing'' anything, no matter what it is. Think about it, when you're out to dinner with someone, and their food is taking too long, you start to feel more uncomfortable the more needy they get about their order. Its no different when a woman is talking to man that ''needs'' whatever he says to be funny, its just on a smaller more unconscious scale. Don't worry about what she thinks! If you're a great guy, chances are very high (if she's a great girl), she'll recognize that.
Mistake #3: Making Rejection Real
Let me give you a secret I learned about how to gain confidence with women: Rejection is only a concept that you made up in your head. A belief is a thought that you make real. As you've grown up, society has presented you with this thought that its possible to get rejected, one way or another. You took this thought and made it real by turning it into a BELIEF. You started to believe, at an early age, without questioning it, that yes I can get rejected and yes I need to avoid rejection at all costs. This same process happened when you formed the thought that you have ''no confidence with women''. You made this real as well by turning the thought into a belief.
Rejection is not real because if you think about it, what have you lost? You didn't have her interest before you approached, and you don't have it now. You didn't lose anything! ''But Ash, its not about protecting what I already have its about getting something I don't have yet.'' And my answer to that would be: There's that neediness again, why, why, why do you need her approval? Why can't you just be social and put yourself out there and if she's receptive, then great, wonderful. When you come from a place of non-neediness, it's impossible to get rejected. Let me say that again:
When you come from a place of non-neediness, it's not possible to get rejected!
Mistake #4: Believing That Confidence Is Something All Guys Who Are Successful With Women Were Just Born With
While it is true that everyone has different personalities and some guys were just lucky enough to be born into natural self confidence with women, that certainly doesn't mean you can develop these traits within yourself. Gaining confidence with women, is a skill that you can learn, and then become. Take being good at playing a musical instrument for example, like guitar. Everyone who is excellent at guitar had to learn how to become good. Building confidence within yourself is a skillset you can learn and hone over time. My best advice is to get out there and start talking with people as often as possible. The quicker you learn how to be social with people, the faster you'll become confident in how you relate to other people. This is especially true with women. Other things you can do to gain confidence with women include: Getting into great physical shape, reciting daily affirmations out loud to yourself, and using visual exercises through NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming).
Mistake #5: Not Taking Advantage Of The Power Of Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication
Its often the simplest things that make the biggest differences. Studies have shown that 80-90% of what we communicate to other people is unspoken. In other words, non-verbal communication. It would benefit you to such a large degree if you would take the time to study body language. You can sub-communicate so many things at once through body language and that's why it's so powerful. Do you agree that you can tell a lot about a person from the way they dress? Of course what you gather is not set in stone, but most of the time its usually pretty accurate. Body Language is the same way. The best body language tips I can give you include:
-Making and holding eye contact
-Making slower movements
-Being less reactive to other people than they are to you
-Standing and walking straight with shoulders held slightly back
-Smiling
-Not leaning in while talking to her
-Voice tonality, and pace (not speaking too quickly, adding pauses), nothing to do with verbal content or what's being said
Mistake #6: Getting Her Phone Number With No Specific Intent
There was time when I thought (as I'm sure many inexperienced guys do) that once I got her number, that was it, I had her. This couldn't be further from the truth. A phone number is useless unless you had specific reason for getting it. A sub-mistake related to this that I see guys do is they'll ask for the number prematurely as well. In fact, she's so used to guys doing this that she's probably desensitized to it and by the time you talk to her, has been socially programmed to just give the number out, like she did to the 10 guys before you. To be frank, you'd really have to be bad to not be able to get her number after 5 minutes of talking to her, in most cases anyway. Single, attractive women give their numbers out all the time, the difference lies in how you ask for it.
Think of it from the frame of: ''I'm gonna give this girl a chance to get to know me, if I decide she'd be cool to spend time with, I'll set up a meet up with her, and get her number while I'm coordinating that with her''. Unless pressed for time, I'd really advise talking to her anywhere between 7-12 minutes, at least, and getting to know her a little, before setting up a meet up/getting her number. Think of it like, she passed your ''cool/not cool test'', and her prize is that you're going to ask for her number (while making plans). Coming from this frame will also help you in building confidence with women in general, with time and practice.
Mistake #7: Not Approaching Or Opening When The Opportunity Arises
Once you've gotten yourself out of the house, great, but you need to know how to meet beautiful women when you're out. Going out and just standing around with a beer held to your chest is not going to get you anywhere. Women are not going to approach you. If you're a good looking guy and you're dressed well, this will happen sometimes, but its ultimately your job as the man to take the initiative and talk to them. You've got to stop constantly worrying about what could go wrong by going over and opening her. Realize and accept the fact that its very possible you will catch her in a bad mood or at a bad time, and that's OK.
More often than not, if you approach with a smile, good body language, and strong voice tonality, she'll more than happy to talk to you. Women go out expecting to get approached, especially attractive women, they're used to having men looking to meet them, its no big deal. In other words its not like you're doing anything out there or unorthodox by approaching her. Try to calibrate yourself to the situation of course, and approaching her from behind is not a good idea, but what's important is that you have the mentality: Approach Women Now.
Mistake #8: Not using Humor Enough (Or Any), While Interacting With Her
I cannot stress enough the importance of using humor when learning to gain confidence with women. Don't take this to mean you should go into your head (always a huge mistake) and start rapidly thinking of jokes or one liners to say. What I mean here is just going out with a natural, easygoing vibe and grabbing opportunities to be witty as they present themselves. A girl will usually give you many opportunities to bust her balls and tease her during an interaction. Once you do this a few times, you'll naturally start to get better at it and be able to spot these opportunities.
Women LOVE a man that can do this, they love a man that isn't afraid to tease/poke fun at her a little and can take it from her as well. Its shows you are socially intelligent and that you ''get it''. It shows you have self confidence with women. It also makes the interaction fun and more relaxed. Also remember that much like conversation, humor is not linear, meaning if you tease her about something, you can loop back to it again at a later point and tease her again about it. This creates a sense that the both of you have a connection and understand each other on a deeper level, which is huge.
People that don't know each other very well will likely not connect like this and communicate on this deeper level. What's interesting is that even if you've only known her for 5 minutes, if you can communicate to her on this level (using socially intelligent humor, busting her balls, etc.), she'll feel like she's known you for much longer.
Mistake #9: Giving Women The Remote Control To Their Emotions
One characteristic of femininity, when looking at the female personality is that it isn't constant, it changes like the weather does. Women tend to have more varying mood and emotional waves than men do. A mistake that I see men make is that when a woman is a bit challenging or maybe zings them with particular comment, the man will allow that to change their mood or current state. This is one that personally, took me a while to understand and get handled.
This is also one of the more advanced and challenging things you'll learn to master when gaining confidence with women. Despite it being a slightly more advanced skill, it's still extremely important to understand and get handled as soon as you can. DO NOT let a comment, opinion, or little mood swing that a woman has alter your good state or mood. A woman needs to know, especially when considering you as boyfriend material, that you can handle her shit when she gets a little testy. Its your job, as a congruent, masculine man, to be able to handle these moments without overreacting or letting it affect you. If you fly off the handle, or get all up in arms at these moments, you're essentially acting like a little BOY. Remember, when she's acting like a little girl, YOU need to stay strong and act like the man, not the little boy. If you do, then your both in a bad place. A woman needs a man not a boy, always remember that.
Mistake #10: Seeing and Treating A Woman Like A Price To Be Won Instead Of A Person
This is one that is so simple that its easy to overlook it (or not even recognize it in the first place). Its important to constantly, constantly be reminding yourself, especially in the presence of very hot women, that they are just normal people. Under the surface of their beauty, they are no different than any other person. They have fears and insecurities, they get nervous, emotional, and self-conscious just like we men do sometimes. Remembering this will take her off the pedestal you've placed her on in your head as a result of her looks (like a prize to be won).
Its very easy to get caught up in an attractive woman's looks. Women do not have this same problem with men, at least not very often. At the end of the day, all a hot woman really wants of you is to stop showering her with affection, praise, and attention and to treat her for what she is, a human being. She'll be much more receptive to your affection, praise and compliments if they come from a place of honesty (after you've gotten to know her a little) than she will if you say it just as fast, and in almost the same way as the last 10 guys did.
