Mistake #1: Not Getting Out Of The House (Or Apt.)
Approach women now! Women aren't going to come to you. The absolute
best way to start learning how to gain confidence women is by simply
putting yourself out in public and working on your social skills. Talk
to everyone, not just girls, and just be a social guy. The more you do
this, the easier it will become over time. Before you know it, you'll
start finding yourself in the type of situations you now feel you're
lacking. Being out multiple times per week also just simply increases
your chances of good things happening for you. There are too many guys
out there (and I used to be one of them, for a long time), that would
gain confidence with women faster if they just simply went out more. I
know this sounds like common sense, but trust me, everything changed for
me the day I realized I didn't need to read or study one more book, or
listen to or watch one more seminar.
Don't be the guy that has to
know everything on how to meet beautiful women before he does anything.
You're never going to know everything before you even start. Practicing
what you're learning by going out and applying it at the same time,
supplements what you learn and helps you understand it all better.
Mistake #2: Worrying Too Much About What A Woman Is Thinking Of Them
Guys it's such an enormous mistake to fall into the trap of getting
caught up in your own head. This will circumvent your success in so many
ways. Here's a very ironic discovery that I made a couple years ago: I
get more bad reactions from women when, in my head, I'm thinking too
long about what I should say before I say it. This is very important so I
want you to maul this over for a minute. When I go through the quick
process (2-3 seconds) of going into my head and thinking about ''just
the right thing to say'', it usually gets a bad response, from women and
men actually. Why is this? Its because they can sense that you are
coming from a place of neediness, i.e. it was important that what you
said be positively accepted. What's ironic of course is that ''needing
something to work out'' usually drives it away from you.
In a
social environment, no one, ever wants to feel awkward or be in the
presence of someone who is coming from a place of neediness (as subtle
as it may be it may be in this example). It makes people uncomfortable.
On the other hand, this is a much better place to come from:
"I trust that most of the time, I have great things to say, so I'll
just respond, naturally and without overthinking, and if what I say
isn't received well, then oh well, because I know most of the time it
is."
This frame subconsciously makes everyone feel more relaxed
around you. You aren't ''needing'' anything, no matter what it is. Think
about it, when you're out to dinner with someone, and their food is
taking too long, you start to feel more uncomfortable the more needy
they get about their order. Its no different when a woman is talking to
man that ''needs'' whatever he says to be funny, its just on a smaller
more unconscious scale. Don't worry about what she thinks! If you're a
great guy, chances are very high (if she's a great girl), she'll
recognize that.
Mistake #3: Making Rejection Real
Let me give you a secret I learned about how to gain confidence with
women: Rejection is only a concept that you made up in your head. A
belief is a thought that you make real. As you've grown up, society has
presented you with this thought that its possible to get rejected, one
way or another. You took this thought and made it real by turning it
into a BELIEF. You started to believe, at an early age, without
questioning it, that yes I can get rejected and yes I need to avoid
rejection at all costs. This same process happened when you formed the
thought that you have ''no confidence with women''. You made this real
as well by turning the thought into a belief.
Rejection is not
real because if you think about it, what have you lost? You didn't have
her interest before you approached, and you don't have it now. You
didn't lose anything! ''But Ash, its not about protecting what I already
have its about getting something I don't have yet.'' And my answer to
that would be: There's that neediness again, why, why, why do you need
her approval? Why can't you just be social and put yourself out there
and if she's receptive, then great, wonderful. When you come from a
place of non-neediness, it's impossible to get rejected. Let me say that
again:
When you come from a place of non-neediness, it's not possible to get rejected!
Mistake #4: Believing That Confidence Is Something All Guys Who Are Successful With Women Were Just Born With
While it is true that everyone has different personalities and some
guys were just lucky enough to be born into natural self confidence with
women, that certainly doesn't mean you can develop these traits within
yourself. Gaining confidence with women, is a skill that you can learn,
and then become. Take being good at playing a musical instrument for
example, like guitar. Everyone who is excellent at guitar had to learn
how to become good. Building confidence within yourself is a skillset
you can learn and hone over time. My best advice is to get out there and
start talking with people as often as possible. The quicker you learn
how to be social with people, the faster you'll become confident in how
you relate to other people. This is especially true with women. Other
things you can do to gain confidence with women include: Getting into
great physical shape, reciting daily affirmations out loud to yourself,
and using visual exercises through NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming).
Mistake #5: Not Taking Advantage Of The Power Of Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication
Its often the simplest things that make the biggest differences.
Studies have shown that 80-90% of what we communicate to other people is
unspoken. In other words, non-verbal communication. It would benefit
you to such a large degree if you would take the time to study body
language. You can sub-communicate so many things at once through body
language and that's why it's so powerful. Do you agree that you can tell
a lot about a person from the way they dress? Of course what you gather
is not set in stone, but most of the time its usually pretty accurate.
Body Language is the same way. The best body language tips I can give
you include:
-Making and holding eye contact
-Making slower movements
-Being less reactive to other people than they are to you
-Standing and walking straight with shoulders held slightly back
-Smiling
-Not leaning in while talking to her
-Voice tonality, and pace (not speaking too quickly, adding pauses), nothing to do with verbal content or what's being said
Mistake #6: Getting Her Phone Number With No Specific Intent
There was time when I thought (as I'm sure many inexperienced guys
do) that once I got her number, that was it, I had her. This couldn't be
further from the truth. A phone number is useless unless you had
specific reason for getting it. A sub-mistake related to this that I see
guys do is they'll ask for the number prematurely as well. In fact,
she's so used to guys doing this that she's probably desensitized to it
and by the time you talk to her, has been socially programmed to just
give the number out, like she did to the 10 guys before you. To be
frank, you'd really have to be bad to not be able to get her number
after 5 minutes of talking to her, in most cases anyway. Single,
attractive women give their numbers out all the time, the difference
lies in how you ask for it.
Think of it from the frame of: ''I'm
gonna give this girl a chance to get to know me, if I decide she'd be
cool to spend time with, I'll set up a meet up with her, and get her
number while I'm coordinating that with her''. Unless pressed for time,
I'd really advise talking to her anywhere between 7-12 minutes, at
least, and getting to know her a little, before setting up a meet
up/getting her number. Think of it like, she passed your ''cool/not cool
test'', and her prize is that you're going to ask for her number (while
making plans). Coming from this frame will also help you in building
confidence with women in general, with time and practice.
Mistake #7: Not Approaching Or Opening When The Opportunity Arises
Once you've gotten yourself out of the house, great, but you need to
know how to meet beautiful women when you're out. Going out and just
standing around with a beer held to your chest is not going to get you
anywhere. Women are not going to approach you. If you're a good looking
guy and you're dressed well, this will happen sometimes, but its
ultimately your job as the man to take the initiative and talk to them.
You've got to stop constantly worrying about what could go wrong by
going over and opening her. Realize and accept the fact that its very
possible you will catch her in a bad mood or at a bad time, and that's
OK.
More often than not, if you approach with a smile, good body
language, and strong voice tonality, she'll more than happy to talk to
you. Women go out expecting to get approached, especially attractive
women, they're used to having men looking to meet them, its no big deal.
In other words its not like you're doing anything out there or
unorthodox by approaching her. Try to calibrate yourself to the
situation of course, and approaching her from behind is not a good idea,
but what's important is that you have the mentality: Approach Women
Now.
Mistake #8: Not using Humor Enough (Or Any), While Interacting With Her
I cannot stress enough the importance of using humor when learning
to gain confidence with women. Don't take this to mean you should go
into your head (always a huge mistake) and start rapidly thinking of
jokes or one liners to say. What I mean here is just going out with a
natural, easygoing vibe and grabbing opportunities to be witty as they
present themselves. A girl will usually give you many opportunities to
bust her balls and tease her during an interaction. Once you do this a
few times, you'll naturally start to get better at it and be able to
spot these opportunities.
Women LOVE a man that can do this, they
love a man that isn't afraid to tease/poke fun at her a little and can
take it from her as well. Its shows you are socially intelligent and
that you ''get it''. It shows you have self confidence with women. It
also makes the interaction fun and more relaxed. Also remember that much
like conversation, humor is not linear, meaning if you tease her about
something, you can loop back to it again at a later point and tease her
again about it. This creates a sense that the both of you have a
connection and understand each other on a deeper level, which is huge.
People
that don't know each other very well will likely not connect like this
and communicate on this deeper level. What's interesting is that even if
you've only known her for 5 minutes, if you can communicate to her on
this level (using socially intelligent humor, busting her balls, etc.),
she'll feel like she's known you for much longer.
Mistake #9: Giving Women The Remote Control To Their Emotions
One characteristic of femininity, when looking at the female
personality is that it isn't constant, it changes like the weather does.
Women tend to have more varying mood and emotional waves than men do. A
mistake that I see men make is that when a woman is a bit challenging
or maybe zings them with particular comment, the man will allow that to
change their mood or current state. This is one that personally, took me
a while to understand and get handled.
This is also one of the
more advanced and challenging things you'll learn to master when gaining
confidence with women. Despite it being a slightly more advanced skill,
it's still extremely important to understand and get handled as soon as
you can. DO NOT let a comment, opinion, or little mood swing that a
woman has alter your good state or mood. A woman needs to know,
especially when considering you as boyfriend material, that you can
handle her shit when she gets a little testy. Its your job, as a
congruent, masculine man, to be able to handle these moments without
overreacting or letting it affect you. If you fly off the handle, or get
all up in arms at these moments, you're essentially acting like a
little BOY. Remember, when she's acting like a little girl, YOU need to
stay strong and act like the man, not the little boy. If you do, then
your both in a bad place. A woman needs a man not a boy, always remember
that.
Mistake #10: Seeing and Treating A Woman Like A Price To Be Won Instead Of A Person
This is one that is so simple that its easy to overlook it (or not
even recognize it in the first place). Its important to constantly,
constantly be reminding yourself, especially in the presence of very hot
women, that they are just normal people. Under the surface of their
beauty, they are no different than any other person. They have fears and
insecurities, they get nervous, emotional, and self-conscious just like
we men do sometimes. Remembering this will take her off the pedestal
you've placed her on in your head as a result of her looks (like a prize
to be won).
Its very easy to get caught up in an attractive
woman's looks. Women do not have this same problem with men, at least
not very often. At the end of the day, all a hot woman really wants of
you is to stop showering her with affection, praise, and attention and
to treat her for what she is, a human being. She'll be much more
receptive to your affection, praise and compliments if they come from a
place of honesty (after you've gotten to know her a little) than she
will if you say it just as fast, and in almost the same way as the last
10 guys did.
